This is the story of how I came to “One-Mind.”
8 years ago I had to face that I was habitually getting slightly drunk every evening for the past 10 years , nobody would notice it was my private gig alone by myself while watching TV and I avoided to question it. To keep the discomfort of my parental conditioning under wraps, to keep away my feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness, I got drunk a lot when I was young, it was too much to bear and deal with then I guess.
Later for many years I did not have to feel this conditioning because life was kind to me I found there was another way to live. After I was blessed with a deep spiritual experience at the age of 23 and later my Master showered his grace on me.
When Osho left his body I was lost for some time looking here and there for his presence and to others that possibly could fill the void.
When the Sat-guru finally appeared again in another form, I put my head at his feet and asked for the final truth. No more avoiding, postponing, I asked for help no matter what. The answer came by pushing me back into my primal conditioning. I had asked for it.
My 15 year relationship and marriage, which was my hope and security for my future and gave me the feeling that I had meaning and was loved, fell apart, had to, as I later realized.
I had projected on someone else outside all the missing pieces that I could not, or dared not, find in myself.
The breakup threw me back into worthlessness, insecurity and anxiety, the stuff my personality was made of. I should have known better after all the years with my Beloved Master, I thought I was way over all that, well, I was not.
The primal pain had never left, it was as fresh as ever, I tried to surrender to it, felt it deeply, but could not go all the way with it. I could let go of blaming my partner though and let her go.
I walked away with some kind of freedom, now nobody wanted me to change, no wife, no in-laws, no Guru, I was alone now and could do what I wanted. I traveled, found a new young girlfriend, lived like a gipsy and had a bottle of wine or two every evening, like in the old days, that was my freedom. These where MY choices and my responsibility now.
My travels got me settled in Bali, the young girlfriend found a husband at some point with my blessings. I enjoyed my freedom for a while, then a new woman appeared to share love, life and laughter with me who did not reflect any of my conditionings parental, sexual or spiritual, she is made of different stuff, a traditional Moslem. We have a simple deep uncomplicated love and care for each other.
The old drinking habit was now becoming a little problem I felt not fully available to my beloved and to myself. I was watching the weakening of body and clarity of mind by getting intoxicated every evening, there was a subtle spiritual sarcasm arising too.
I was slowly spiraling down into loosing myself. Finally I took courage; I have to get out of this now!
I tried to stop and I could not, I had to reluctantly admit that I was addicted, I heard Osho say “watch”, so I watched what happens when I drink, I watched, first glass of wine a little happiness, some satisfaction, then blurriness and at the end of the bottle numbness, finally sleep, every day the same. I would wake up at 4 am and feel I was poisoned and knew if I go on like this I will lose all care for myself and the people I loved and I would throw away all the blessings and opportunity I had received so abundantly in this life. I swear this is it, enough, I say, at 4 am, but come noon I had to decide between Merlot or Cabernet, I watched!
I watched the dance, when the desire to get drunk was conscious the desire to stop drinking was in the unconscious, totally absent. When the desire to stop was conscious the desire to get drunk was in the basement nonexistent. They never met, like day and night, that is how the game of the mind works, hide and seek.
I guess because of watching and bringing awareness to this process, one day suddenly both where present in my consciousness together, the addict and the anti-addict actually met in daylight. I saw that both are one and the same, not separate, and could never be separated.This was not an intellectual conclusion it was a seeing, an experience. They were arising out of each other, they had one source, ME.
I am the addict and I am the anti-addict. They were one solid unity, a circle. They were both the same, feeding on each other, rotating.
Then what could be done??? To choose now was impossible any choice will always choose both.
One day suddenly all stopped, all movement stopped! The goose was out of the bottle.
The blessing, the grace!
Love showered on me from everywhere, tears of gratitude, prayer. I remembered all the experiences and blessings in this life that confirmed that I was loved and cared for, not by anybody but by this existence itself, by god itself, by my Beloved, call it Osho or whatever, it does not matter it is all the same, the One, the truth, the essence, Bhagwan. Pain, agony and anxiety, the addict and the anti- addict all disappeared without a trace forever. They had been one process feeding on each other. To this day I am in awe of this miracle, the mind cannot conceive of it, it is not part of the mind it is pure grace.
I knew I would never need to get drunk again for the rest of this Life. I turned in! Became one mind. Actually turning in just happened, away from the outer world not against it just away from it, I lost interest. For the first time I felt I was going home and now I dedicated the rest of this life to it.
The one pointed desire arose to wake up. The stream of life was turning back towards its source. This was 8 years ago.
That day anxiety for the future, meaningless social interaction, entertaining the mind in any form, reading, watching movies or TV, daydreaming, jealousy, possessiveness, blame, it all vanished.
In short all other desires to get something outside of me dropped away. Now the subtle balancing act of the One-Mind began.
The one mind has only one desire and therefore only one obstacle, itself. The balancing act takes time, at least for me; it is much deeper than just a habit. It is the mind itself that has to negate itself, awareness, watching, and the same balancing act as with the addiction – anti- addiction. Like a skilled tightrope walker finding the still point. In the process a cleaning happens, the mirror of consciousness is getting polished.
Love,
Swami Dayanand Bharati
